Seasons - but mostly spring
my little pink dancey guy from last Valentine's
that every day is a new chance
It is teaching me strength
It is teaching me courage
It will pass and I will heal
It is a wake up call
It shows me how much I am capable of.
You stupid bitch - you've let it get completely out of control - and now look at you. Dying from the same damn disease that killed your grandfather and that is likely to take your mom out as well. And still you can't eating - you're the dumb ass cunt that Wormwood was talking about in Invasion of the Bane. You've been seeing signs for years - and still you keep going... now they're getting worse, so what do you do? You eat more of the crap you know you shouldn't... what the hell is wrong with you?
I love food, and I know that my eating is out of control - but there has to be a way to maintain a healthy diet and still indulge in my great love affair with nom... it just all feels so hopeless.
It's hopeless because you're weak... others manage to indulge while still maintaining at least a passing relationship with healthy... why can't you?
Because I'm overwhelmed. Because trying to learn everything I need to learn in order to make these changes makes me feel like I'm staring up at the top of the mountain from the bottom of the grand canyon. It's just too much.
Then why not try cutting it down into smaller pieces? But then we've tried that and that failed too... so being overwhelmed isn't the only issue. What else?
There's this fear... a fear that I will make all these sacrifices and that it wont change... that it will all be for nothing. A fear that I can't have it without sacrificing good food and simple indulgences. That it has to be all or nothing... my borderline... damn.
So what if we did the same thing we did with the car? Set one large goal with sign posts on the way, take small steps... in making changes... measure each change and see how that works for us?
There's still something holding me back... I don't want to do it.
Because then who will I be? What will be my excuse?
Why do we need an excuse? An excuse for what?
For being a failure... for being unattractive, for sitting behind a computer and not getting into the game...
This wont be possible until you overcome this need for an excuse - but you have taken the step to the next level, can you go any further with me?
Fear... that is the enemy. That is what is stopping me, how do you overcome fear?
Let's break it down - are you really a failure? By conventional means maybe, but truly in those ways you value most are you a failure? As for unattractive I'm going to quote Selena here - you have no idea what you look like under that ton of lard - you could be a total babe - but you're not going to find out until you lose the weight... bar none you will find yourself more attractive after you lose the weight then you do right now - then if it needs work from there, we can work on it. We're getting into the game so that isn't even an issue...
So all in all you're afraid of not having an excuse for things that you no longer need an excuse for... it's time to move forward... it's time to do this.